For the single ladies and gents among us (and especially the people who like to stick to the rules), the Corona times don't seem to be included with abundant moments of love. Here, I'm talking about the love we're looking for within a 'soulmate', 'sexbuddy', 'relationship', 'one-night-stand' or 'love-of-my-life' kind of thing. There are not many possibilities to go out, go for a date or to kiss a wild stranger in public transport. If that's the case, these times seem very lonely. And sad. But is this really the case? What if times like these are only an opportunity to see something new? To have a new experience of life and stop feeling in need of finding love somewhere else then inside yourself. If you're open to see something new around love, also if you have already found the 'love of your life', I invite you to not stop reading until you get extremely bored from my 'Mr. I know it all'- way of writing. There we go.
What's the reason that many of us, especially in our twenties, seem to spend so much time thinking about and chasing love (or apparent subareas like sex and validation)? I've been there myself as well. After a break up with a girl I decided to improve my social skills and to get better with girls. Every place that I went, I pressured and pushed myself to speak to random girls. Every conversation I had, except for the conversations with my parents, had to go about girls. And guess what? In short time, I got better and better (in terms of girls being more interested in me). However, after one year of doing this I realized that I never found a bit of the love or happiness I was actually searching for. If I managed to make a girl like me, in whatever way, I felt a short hit of satisfaction and proudness, but that was about it. What I did notice though, was that when I wasn't so focused on the girl to like me, I actually enjoyed the process of talking with a girl. This story might be somewhat extreme, but my guess is that most of us can relate to this story.
Partly as a result of this story I've come to see 2 things that I want to talk about:
- The feeling of love that we are longing for, is in fact who we truly are. No one is ever going to complete you, because you are already whole.
- The feeling of 'being in love' has not so much to do with the other person.
I'm here to tell you that the feelings of love and well-being are ever present within you but they seem to dissapear because of our endless amounts of thinking. You are already whole and full of love. A logical reaction might be, which also happens to many beginning meditators, is that you're trying to get rid of your thinking, getting frustrated from having thoughts. Which as it seems to only work controversial. In another post I will dive deeper in the subject of thought, but a commonly used metaphor for our thinking is the change of weather. One moment the sun is shining and the next moment there is rain and thunder. We don't really try to change the weather, we just let it happen. The same is true for our thinking. When we start to see more about the nature of our thoughts, we automatically become more willing to just let them be and rest in this natural feeling of well-being more of the time. The fact that you're already whole also means that there is nothing you need to achieve to be 'good enough' or 'worthy of love'. Moreover, no amount of money, validation or any partner is going to give you the feeling of being good enough, until you recognize it for yourself.
No matter how much it seems that a particular person is giving you a large amount of butterflies, according to what I have seen so far this is never true. A recurring phenomenon in many relationships is that people fall in love, but after a certain period of time the sparks fade away. Most people have even already accepted the fact, that this is just how things go. Moreover, because we think this amazing feeling is coming from this other person, we become afraid to lose this person and with it this feeling. The only thing this person does however, is reflecting the feeling back to you, like a mirror. Seeing this, makes you feel less attached, less in need to be with this particular mirror. Because many of us are unconsciously afraid to lose the feeling we project on to our partner, we start to make rules to feel safe and secure around our relationship. Besides, after a while, our thinking starts to change. Whereas in the beginning our partner seemed so perfect, all of a sudden we start to get irritated about the smallest things. Since most of us don't recognize that it's just our thinking that has changed, we start to believe that our partner is not so special (anymore) and we think that our 'feelings for them' have started to fade. However, when we go beyond our thinking (about the things we like and the things we don't like), we fall back into this feeling of love.
I myself have never been in a relationship that lasted for more than 18 months, which makes me very unexperienced to say all the above. Nevertheless, the more and more I see about the nature of our thoughts, the more I experience a peaceful mind. Along with this peaceful mind comes the feeling of love, not just for a particular person, but for everything and everyone around me. And again and again, I fall back into believing that this feeling is definitely coming from this amazing person or this beautiful sunset, until I see it's not. This feeling of love is the love of life itself, out of which everything exists.
'You have within you more love than you could ever understand'